- TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
- A Moral Interlude
by Edna St. Vincent Millay
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The following one-act play is reprinted from Contemporary One-act Plays of 1921. Ed. Frank Shay. Cincinnati: Stewart Kidd Co., 1922. It is now in the public domain and may be performed without royalties.
CHARACTERS
- THE KING
- CHANCE, The Vice
- TIDY, The False Slattern
- SLUT, The True Slattern
The Prologue and the Epilogue are spoken by CHANCE.
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- PROLOGUE
- I am that cunning infidel
- By men called CHANCE,--you know me well.
- It is through me you met your wives;
- Through me your harvest blights or thrives;
- And one and all, through me, to-day
- Hither you came to see the play,
- Which if your favor still you lend,
- As now, so on until the end,
- You shall be taught what way a King
- Though a sublime and awful thing
- And even wise, may come to be
- A laughing-stock,--and all through me![Exit]
[Enter KING.]
- KING: I am the King of all this land:
- I hold a sceptre in my hand;
- Upon my head I wear a crown;
- Everybody stands when I sit down. (Sits)
- CHANCE: (Appearing to audience; he is invisible throughout the play to the other players in it.) Excepting me,--please bear in mind
- I sit whenever I feel inclined. (Sits)
- KING: Although my lands are wide and long,
- My walls right thick, my armies strong,
- I am not wholly satisfied.
- CHANCE: That is because you have no bride.
- KING: Who speaks?--Come forth and, if you dare,
- Say once again what causes my care!
- Why I am discontent with life!
- CHANCE: It is because you have no wife.
- KING: A woman in my royal house!
- A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!
- Bold stranger, this is not the cure,
- For a woman I could never endure!
- CHANCE: Per-CHANCE to-morrow you will find
- You have altered your imperial mind.
- [Exeunt KING and CHANCE severally.]
[Enter TIDY.]
- TIDY: I am TIDY, I have been
- All my life both neat and clean.
- From my outside to my in
- Clean am I unto my skin.
- Every day into a bucket
- My hands I dip, my head I duck it;
- And if the water plenty be
- I sometimes wet some more of me.
- This is my kitchen, where you will find
- All things pleasant and to your mind;
- Against the wall in orderly pairs--
- One, two,--one, two,--observe my chairs.
- In the middle of the room my table stands:
- I would not move it for my lands.
- My basins and bowls are all in their places;
- The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.
- My kettle boils so cheerily,
- It is like a friendly voice to me;
- About my work I merrily sing,
- And I brush my hearth with a white duck's wing.
- Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!--
- My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!
- [Exit TIDY.]
[Enter SLUT.]
- SLUT: I am SLUT; I am a slattern,
- You must not take me for your pattern.
- I spend my days in slovenly ease;
- I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.
- My manners, they are indolent;
- In clutter and filth I am quite content.
- Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,
- And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.
- My table sags beneath the weight
- Of stale food and unwashed plate;
- The cat has tipped the pitcher o'er,--
- The greasy stream drips onto the floor;
- Under the table is a broken cup--
- I am too tired to pick it up.
- [Exit SLUT.]
[Enter KING.]
- KING: Now I will no longer tarry
- For I think that I will marry.
- Now the one thing in my life
- Is to marry me a wife.
- But I will not be content
- With a wench that's indolent,
- Or take a slattern for a spouse,--
- I will go from house to house,
- Unheralded--that there may be
- No cleaning up because of me--
- And that maid whose kitchen's the neatest
- Will I have to be my sweetest.
- [Exit KING.]
[CHANCE appears.]
- CHANCE: That I am absent do not fear
- For that you have not seen me here,
- For know, I oft invisibly
- Do move among the things you see;
- And to confuse and thwart the King
- Through Slut and Tidy, is a thing
- Dear to my nature,--therefore heed,
- And you shall see a show indeed!
- [Exit CHANCE.]
[Enter TIDY in great disorder.]
- TIDY: Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?
- Oh, such a plight I never knew!
- Though I arose as is my way
- An hour before the break of day,
- Here it is noon, and nothing done;
- The milk has soured in the sun,
- And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled
- A neighbor's dog has dragged and spoiled;
- I beat him with my hands and wept!
- Straight through the window then he leapt,
- And through the window after him,
- With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,
- And on through mire and briar and bog
- Hours and hours I chased that dog,
- Stumbling, uttering awful cries--
- While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!
- I came back at half-past ten!
- Oh, what a sight did greet me then!
- My fair white sheets I hung so fine
- Down in the black muck under the line!
- And out of the oven from cakes 'n' pies 'n'
- Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin'!
- I knelt down my tarts to remove,
- And my quince jelly that stood on the stove
- Up did boil, and, as you see,
- Boiled itself all over me!--
- All over the floor, all over the room,--
- Whereat I ran to fetch the broom--
- The broom! The broom--instead of the mop!
- To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!
- And with its handle smashed the clock's face,
- Getting glass all over the place,
- And knocked the dishes off the shelf,
- And fell to my knees and cut myself,
- And wept and cried and when I would rise
- Could not see for the tears in my eyes;
- So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,
- Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,
- Dragging the table down with me,
- And everything on it, as well you may see!
- I cannot live in such a state!
- But where to begin is past my pate!
- [Enter KING.]
- KING: I am the King of all these lands:
- Down upon your knees and hands.
- Wishing to marry me, I have said
- That the tidiest maiden I would wed
- In all my realm, wherefore I go
- From kitchen to kitchen, that I may know
- And judge for myself what maid is worth
- To sit at my side in feasting and mirth.
- Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to see
- That my fair bride you never will be.
- TIDY: Oh, great King, hear my when I say
- This has been a most unusual day!
- It is by chance alone you see
- In such a state my kitchen and me!
- I can set us both to rights in a minute!
- KING: In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!
- Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!
- I see what I see and I hie me hence!
- [Exit KING.]
[Exit TIDY, weeping.]
[Enter SLUT.]
- SLUT: Lest you know me not in this disguise
- I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.
- My face and my hands are clean and neat;
- Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.
- But I assure you you are not wrong
- To think that so tidy I shall not be for long.
- And if the story you wish from me,
- I will tell you how this came to be:
- Dull was the day and tedious my book;
- I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;
- I had done everything that I knew how to do,
- And I could think of nothing new.
- But at last I thought of one
- Thing that I had never done.
- And I said, "I will take a broom,
- And I will sweep this room!
- I will wash this floor!"
- I had never washed it before--
- "All things in order will I arrange,
- Although I hate order, for it will be a change."
- So here I am, as you can see--
- I and my kitchen as clean as can be.
- But in a room as clean as this
- My bones ache and I find no bliss.
- So watch, and soon it will appear
- Much less orderly and drear.
- [Enter KING.]
- KING: Down upon your knees and hands!
- I am the King of all these lands.
- Wishing to marry me, I have said
- That the tidiest maiden I would wed
- In all my realms, wherefore I go
- From kitchen to kitchen that I may know--
- Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,
- I think that you must be my bridey!
- As far and wide as I have been
- So neat a kitchen I have not seen;
- Therefore I say you are my wife,
- For the remainder of your life.
- SLUT: (aside) To point him out his error at first I intended,
- But least said is soonest mended.
- [Exit KING with SLUT.]
[Enter TIDY.]
- TIDY: Now once again with me
- All is as it is wont to be.
- Now once again you see me stand
- The tidiest lady in the land.
- If the King should see me now
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